Understanding the Difference Between Thoughts and Feelings: Why Feelings Are Meant to Be Felt, Not Fixed
As human beings, we navigate the world through a complex interplay of thoughts and feelings. While we often use the two interchangeably, understanding the difference between them can help us cultivate better emotional health and move toward healing. Often, we’re taught to focus on controlling or changing our thoughts to solve problems, but feelings aren’t meant to be “fixed”—they’re meant to be felt. Here’s why:
Thoughts: Vital for Survival, but Not Always Accurate
Our thoughts are a critical component of our survival. They help us interpret the world around us, solve problems, and make decisions. From an evolutionary standpoint, our thoughts were designed to keep us safe. When we encounter potential danger, our thoughts help us assess the situation and plan how to respond. In this way, thoughts are a powerful tool for navigating life.
However, the downside is that our brain’s default setting is to perceive potential threats. This is where things can get tricky. Thoughts are not always based in reality; sometimes, they are deeply influenced by our emotions, past experiences, and even our nervous system’s reactions to stress. This means that, at times, our thoughts can become distorted, focusing on negative outcomes or exaggerated fears that don’t align with what’s actually happening.
Feelings: Not to Be Fixed, But Felt
Feelings, on the other hand, are direct responses to our internal experiences—they are the emotional reactions to our thoughts, environment, and even our body’s state. Unlike thoughts, feelings don’t need to be fixed or rationalized. They are sensations in our body that want to be experienced and processed, not avoided.
For example, when you feel anxious, the physical sensation of anxiety is meant to be felt, acknowledged, and processed. Suppressing, denying, or trying to "fix" it can lead to further emotional buildup and a cycle of suffering. Feeling your emotions fully, without judgment, allows the body to release tension, reduce stress, and eventually return to a calmer, more balanced state.
The Role of the Nervous System: How Our Body Perceives Threats
The body and brain are in constant communication, and one of the most critical systems in this process is our **nervous system**. The nervous system helps us respond to both real and perceived threats through what’s known as the **polyvagal response**—a theory developed by Dr. Stephen Porges.
When we perceive a threat (real or imagined), our body enters one of three states:
Fight or Flight: When we feel danger, our body prepares to either confront the threat or escape it. This is a sympathetic nervous system response, where the body’s heart rate increases, and adrenaline is released.
Freeze: If the body perceives that neither fight nor flight is an option, we may experience a "freeze" response. This is often associated with feelings of numbness, dissociation, or shutdown.
Rest and Digest: When we’re safe, our parasympathetic nervous system helps us calm down, bringing the body back to a state of balance and relaxation.
However, the nervous system doesn’t always differentiate between real threats and imagined ones. This is where things get tricky: sometimes, emotional experiences or unprocessed feelings are perceived as threats by the nervous system, even when no actual danger is present. The body reacts as though it’s facing a life-or-death situation, leading to feelings of anxiety, stress, or overwhelm.
Thoughts and Emotions: How They Keep Us Stuck
When our nervous system is in a heightened state, it can produce thoughts that reinforce the idea of danger, even if it’s not based on reality. For example, after a stressful event, we might have the thought, “I’m not safe,” or “I can’t handle this.” This thought triggers a cascade of emotions like fear, anxiety, or sadness, and the cycle continues.
Instead of allowing these feelings to move through the body, we often try to "fix" them by engaging in more thinking, trying to rationalize or control our emotions. The truth is, fixing our feelings through thoughts doesn’t work in the long run. This cycle can perpetuate suffering, keeping us stuck in a loop of anxiety, self-doubt, or emotional reactivity.
The Power of Feeling Your Emotions
Rather than trying to "fix" your emotions or suppress them, try embracing them. Allow your feelings to be felt fully, without judgment. Here are a few strategies to help:
Acknowledge the Emotion: When you feel an emotion arise, take a moment to identify it. Is it anxiety, sadness, or frustration? Simply naming the emotion can help you feel more in control.
Body Awareness: Notice where the emotion is manifesting in your body. Do you feel tension in your chest? Tightness in your stomach? By connecting with these sensations, you can help your nervous system recognize that you’re not in danger, and the body can begin to release the tension.
Breathe and Ground: Deep breathing and grounding exercises can help calm your nervous system, shifting from the "fight or flight" state to a more relaxed state of being.
Allow the Emotion to Pass: Emotions are temporary—they come and go. By allowing yourself to fully experience them, they will eventually subside, creating space for peace and clarity.
Conclusion: Healing Begins with Awareness
The difference between thoughts and feelings is significant, but they are both important in our emotional journey. Our thoughts can help us navigate life, but when they become distorted by fear or perceived threats, they can keep us stuck. Feelings, on the other hand, are meant to be felt—not fixed. Understanding how the nervous system processes emotions, and recognizing that feelings are signals for the body, allows us to step out of the cycle of suffering and into healing.
By embracing and feeling your emotions, you allow them to move through you naturally, creating space for deeper healing. When we make time to connect with our bodies and allow our emotions to unfold, we reclaim our sense of agency and calm.
Healing starts with awareness. Begin by noticing how you’re feeling, where you’re feeling it, and trusting that your body knows how to process it. And remember, you don’t have to do this alone—seeking support when you need it can make all the difference.
